When the "right" thing feels so wrong
Navigating conflicting values in a complex world
Recently I got on my first short-haul flight since 2020. I’d been avoiding them for environmental reasons (see this early newsletter), though I was aided in part by the global coronavirus pandemic . . . maybe you remember it? Of all my eco commitments, cutting back on flying is the hardest, because I love to travel and consider it worth all the time and money and inconvenience. But I know from calculating our household carbon footprint with Project Neutral that flights are by far our greatest carbon indulgence. Here’s our household calculation from 2019, when between my partner and me, we took seven round-trip flights:
Our flights have decreased in the years since then (one in 2020, just days before the pandemic was declared; two in 2021; two in 2022; four in 2023; and we’ll be at five by the end of this year). I got fixated on eliminating the short-haul flights because they are usually easier to avoid and emit more carbon per mile, though of course the longer the flight, the more carbon. And I’d never actually done the math: for example, my upcoming flight to Europe will generate roughly 1.2 tonnes of CO2, but my recent flight to Chicago generated around 0.188 tonnes CO2. (#flightmath based on these numbers from the BBC.) You don’t want to take short-haul flights when they can be avoided (we love a train!), but these two kinds of flights are fighters in different weight classes, and I don’t think I appreciated that as much as I do now.
Thanks to the rona and also this personal flight diet, I’d gone five years since visiting my best friend on her turf. I was trying to be an ethical person, you see, but this year, sitting together in her backyard, watching her kids play, I realized, painfully, that in putting off the visit, I’d made the wrong choice. The kind of embedded friend experience I’d had over my five-day visit was invaluable, giving me not only so much casual time with her but also a real sense of her day-to-day life, from the layout of her kitchen to the route one of her kids takes to school. When we lived in the same building, those tiny interactions were a vital part of our enmeshed lives, and living them again felt like hearing an old song and realizing I still knew all the words.
I bring all of this up because decisions are really tricky when our values conflict, as mine did here. How do we navigate this?
First, it helps to have a clear sense of what those values are. Earlier this year, I did Brooke McAlary’s values workshop exercises, the first of which involved looking at many pages of words with short definitions and identifying which ones most guide you (or you’d like to most guide you). This was harder than I’d anticipated, because it’s an exercise in prioritization, much like life. I’ll tell you what I chose and include the definitions, which are a combo of mine and Brooke’s:
connection: having close supporting relationships with others [for me, this includes the natural world]
health: doing what’s possible to stay physically (and mentally) well and healthy
sustainability: living in a way that doesn’t deplete resources for or cause harm to future generations
learning: acquiring knowledge through study, skills, or being taught; giving back by sharing knowledge where possible
creativity: exploring opportunities for creation in any medium
frugality: spending wisely, avoiding waste [this one was a write-in I felt I had to add, because it is DEEP programming that governs a lot of my behaviour]
Knowing your values is a good way to determine if you’re spending your one wild and precious life well, and they’re also a good decision-making compass. I know that within that list, the top three are the most important, which is useful. For example, I might spend more on gym classes that support my health even if that doesn’t fully align with my frugality. I can also see how certain actions hit numerous values: riding my bike is good for sustainability, health, and frugality. And now I also know that, within reason, relationships can trump sustainability.
Should that have been obvious? Maybe. But the fate of, you know, the entire world has a tendency to loom rather large for me. Don’t worry, I know the stability of our Earth isn’t up to me personally, and not you either, but I do believe individuals play a role, and when most of the world isn’t treating the climate emergency like an actual emergency, it feels important to do whatever I can. And that can mean making sacrifices.
It’s a tricky line to draw though: some of us may be too hard on ourselves, others perhaps not enough. Having a sense of that, and a clear list of values, might help you decide whether you need to soften or push harder to come into better alignment. I’m trying to figure out where my eco bloody-mindedness might be hurting me more than it helps the world. Earlier I used the words “within reason,” but how can one tell what’s reasonable when the norms that govern our daily existence are fundamentally unreasonable from an environmental point of view? How do you act sanely in a world that is insane?
I think we should practise doing the hard things, but it’s also important to make sacrifices you can live with, otherwise they’ll make you bitter or resentful or, in my case, bereft. I’ve said it a thousand times (because clearly I also need to hear it): sustainability has to be sustainable.
Sometimes we might get it wrong, like I did, both mathematically and emotionally, in putting off that flight. All we can do is question our assumptions, check in with our values, then reassess and adjust as necessary. Do you need permission to get it wrong sometimes? You have it. After all, the only way to get it really and truly wrong is to give up altogether.
Join me on retreat!
There are still a few spots left on our day retreat in Erin, ON. If you want to get in touch with your values, consider what matters most, and connect with like-minded, big-hearted folks in the most nourishing environment I know, gift yourself this day. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out. You can register here.
Parting Wisdom
“I know these are frightening and even soul-shaking times. I cannot tell you that the tumult will relent, because it will not. But I can tell you that here, on the edge of everything, we are each other’s best hope.” — Kelly Hayes, Let This Radicalize You
As always, I love hearing from you. Drop a comment or click reply to share your thoughts and experiences.
Until next time!
Jen
Five Minutes for Planet is written by me, Jen Knoch, and edited by Crissy Boylan. All photos by Jen Knoch.